Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Fucking distraction


Welcome to The Club, Anthony. Your membership card and complimentary set of steak knives are in the male ... ooops, mail. (That's a quaint little bit of faggy misappropriation humour for you ... just to whet your appetite for all that is to follow.) Having been a poof for longer than you have been alive, I feel perfectly justified - and more than a little compelled - to offer you a few words of wisdom about how to negotiate the grossly over-estimated Land of Gaydom.

Self-definition
You will frequently find yourself caught in a net with a random sample of the rest of the 'gay' flotsam and jetsam in Sydney - men with whom you will share nothing more than a common sexual preference. This usually manifests in what you will come to recognise as 'Gay Bars' and 'Sex On Premises Venues' (SOPV). Given the parlous state of the 'gay' brand in Sydney at the moment, it's impossible for me to feel even remotely comfortable using the term 'sexuality'. I recommend that you, too, avoid it all costs. Remember: 'Sexuality' is a noun, not a verb.

Your Mardi Gras Float
I went in the Mardi Gras Parade for the first time this year Anthony ... and it was, in a word, faaaabulous (see also 'Language, vocabulary and terminology'). Personally, I can see you perched next to Clover Moore (she's Sydney's Lord Mayor) in a vintage Chevrolet convertible. The best thing about going in The Parade with Clover is that, unlike the rest of us who have to be 'locked in' to the Parade marshalling area from 6pm for an 8.30pm start, you can just walk quietly, quickly and efficiently up to your car at 8.25pm - and ta-da! (in your key of course), you're on your way!

Your talent
I love your voice Anthony ... and I think you did a beautiful job of The Prayer. It was a beautifully judged rendition, and I listen to it often. I celebrate your technique. The phrasing scans perfectly - even with the little over-reaching flaws in the build which I, personally, find extremely endearing. Now, that's all well and good, but here in the Land of Gaydom, you will find that we have an entirely different interpretation of the term 'talent'. Essentially, it embraces: the size of your cock (encompassing both length and breadth), the cuteness of your arse, your cock-sucking and general cock-handling capabilities, and the tautness and trimness of your body.

Language, vocabulary and terminology
In general, Anthony, the language, vocabulary and terminology most prevalent in Gaydom is the same as that of Australia ... and I am convinced, that as someone who displays great skill in relation to the equal distribution of the weight of vowels and consonants within multiple phrases within the interpretation of songlines, you will have no difficulty mastering the rather contradictory nature of the way vowels, consonants and, generally speaking - entire words - are occasionally slaughtered by poofs in general. As referenced earlier, the word 'fabulous' is a perfect and very simple example. In Australia, people say 'fabulous', and that, almost out of necessity, is that. In Gaydom, we add a few extra 'a's - which are then collectively stretched almost beyond recognition - and thrown in between the 'f' and the 'bulous'. This also works for the word 'darling', which was once a meaningful term of affection. In the Land of Gaydom, it becomes a considerably less meaningful example of affectation, which generally speaking, is the rule of thumb right across the board. In short Anthony, mastery of Gaydom's language will come as a direct result of applying liberal, careless and reckless affectation to just about any word in the English language.

I also recommend you learn a few phrases of what we poofs instantly recognise as 'porn speak' ... and in the meantime, try not to be too alarmed if the boy from Taree you are having casual sex with suddenly says "Oh yeah, suck that cock" in a perfect (if not seemingly a little too incongruous given the circumstances) American accent. This is because most poofs have been psycho-sexually programmed from a young age by an infinite supply of porn, most of which originates in the United States of America. Other examples of 'porn speak' include: "Oh yeah, fuck that ass" and "Oh yeah, you want that cock don't you". A key to the mastery of 'porn speak' is to remember that statements you might have assumed would work more effectively as questions, do not. Take "Oh yeah, you want that cock don't you" for example. This line serves as an excellent example as to how 'porn speak' manages to somehow transcend the basic fundamentals of grammatical structure. The trick here, Anthony, is to remember that statements such as this one are actually communicated with what we call 'fore-knowledge'. Given the extent to which the suckee's cock has almost disappeared from view entirely into the sucker's mouth, it becomes obvious that he does indeed 'want that cock'. In short Anthony, there are three imperatives relating to the mastery of 'porn speak'. They are: every word spoken is delivered with an American accent; every statement is prefaced with the words "Oh" and "Yeah"; and, last but by no means least, statements that might appear to be more grammatically correct if communicated as questions are, instead, delivered as statements of fact.

I have also taken the liberty of highlighting the following terms and their meanings Anthony, just to start you on your way. As a sign of my determination that you should be protected from any potentially career-threatening cross-cultural hazards, I have also included examples of the Australian meaning.
Top Gaydom: someone who takes the active role throughout the sexual act ... the fucker as opposed to the fuckee, as it were. Australia: the highest part (as in the top of a hill), an article of clothing designed for the upper body, a toy of the spinning variety.
Bottom Gaydom: someone who takes the passive role throughout the sexual act ... the fuckee. Australia: the lowest part (as in the bottom of a hill), a polite way of referring to a part of the human body.
Aggressive bottom Gaydom: someone who takes the generally assumed to be passive role throughout the sexual act but re-interprets it as active (aggressive). This simply means that it is possible to top the top from the bottom ... and, as you gain more confidence, from every other direction on both the vertical and horizontal axes and, eventually, a combination of both. Australia: a polite way of referring to the experiences associated with certain conditions (such as gastro) affecting the normal way human beings defecate.
Versatile Gaydom: someone who, depending on the circumstances or level of desperation, is happy to take either the passive or active roles in the sexual act. This can sometimes be indicative of someone who has, in reality, mastered neither role (which may in turn lead to a somewhat lack-lustre and unfulfilling sexual exchange) or someone who is so desperate to have sex with you that they'll invert their desire to express their sexuality in order to achieve said aim. Either way, my advice to you is exercise caution at all times. Australia: capable of being used in a variety of different ways; having a range of different skills.
Pride Gaydom: the sense of elation poofs feel at being a citizen of the Land of Gaydom at the exclusion of all other personal attributes, which in most cases is simply because they have none. Pride can sometimes be expressed in ways that not only threaten their personal safety, but also in ways that a large percentage of the population find revolting; also a now bankrupt community-owned organisation established to celebrate and enhance said elation. Australia: a sense of honour and personal worth.
Cock Gaydom: slang for 'penis' - the size of which will represent the entire measure of your nett worth as a human being in Gaydom. Australia: a male bird; slang for 'penis'.

So, to wrap it up Anthony, welcome! I hope my little guide serves to enlighten you about just some of the many wonders and mysteries of our very, very little land. Good luck ... and be kind.

7 comments:

Nick said...

Goodness... am I daft or was that the most creative outing I have ever seen?

Geoffrey said...

Hi Nick. Yes and no are the answers to your question. Yes because Callea was officially outed some days ago on Sydney radio, and yesterday by both The Daily Telegraph and The Sydney Morning Herald.
No because there may be a visitor or two to my site who, like yourself, had no idea.
Either way, he's very cute isn't he.

Snidley Whiplash said...

Yes, and a lovely voice too. Just listened to "The Prayer", which is faaaaaabulously appropriate now that he hasn't got a prayer. As for the lovie dovie crap for his Paulie Waulie on his website, I almost puked me cornflakes over the laptop. Puhleesze, Anthony, spare us. Love is not meant for us fags. We've forfeited all rights to, and chances of love in deciding to worship A. Cock, B. Youth, and C. a dazzling array of mind-altering substances at the expense of our precious humanity.

And now for the BIG surprise. Wait till you see what happens when it turns out that you seek to be out(ed) and proud beyond the boundaries of the Bogan comfort zone. Hairdresser? Ok. Flight attendant? Ok. Clipboard Queen at catered outdoor event? Perhaps. But popular entertainer who earned his spurs deceiving legions of teenage girls and blue rinse grannies? (sound of sharp sucking of air through clenched teeth and buttocks) I don't think so, Anthony! You've got more chance of getting a blowjob from the Pope. Unless of course you're hung like a Welsh Pit Pony and have loads of cash, in which case my number is 02 9666 6969.

Gorgeously written stuff, Geoffrey. Yet again. Thanks, bloke. More please.

metal_petal said...

Well outside of my area of expertise.

Anonymous said...

Snidley and Geoffery, you have missed your joint calling ... I'd pay at least $50 to see a comedy show not only the two of you wrote but performed as well, a pair of pilots in the cock pit!!!...hmmm, seriously funny ... mardi gras next year ... maybe...? anon

Anonymous said...

***Unless of course you're hung like a Welsh Pit Pony and have loads of cash***

Yes he is, and yes he does!

Geoffrey said...

Ha! Faaaaabulous! Just as we expected.